What Happens When You Lose And Find Your Anger?
You’re at a theater workshop and the trainers ask you to express anger, by counting from 1 to 10, 10 being your own experience of severe anger. They say go. You look at your partner in the exercise for a few seconds and then you blurt out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 in a flurry, your voice rising as you utter the numbers. You reach the number 10 and you scream at the top of your lungs: 10. Again: 10. You can feel your vocal chords tearing. You take a breath and before you know it, you start trembling, your hands cramp up together. You scream again: 10. This is the first time in a little less than a year that you’ve expressed anger. You take your eyes off your partner for a second. You look at the floor and you burst into sobs. Uncontrollable sobs. The trainers tell you to live it. So you sob. A few minutes later, the trainers stop the exercise. You come back to the state of being in a workshop and you pull yourself together. You go get a tissue to blow your noise and dry your tears. You sit in the back of the room, away from the group. You can feel your limbs getting heavy, as if you’re coming down with a fever. And yet, you finish the workshop because you can’t excuse yourself and go lie down. You go home, straight to bed. You wake up in the middle of the night, feeling the heaviness of your limbs. You try to go back to sleep. You count your breath to enter slumberland again. A couple of hours later, you wake up in a cold sweat. You curl up under the covers and start shivering. So you hold yourself tight until you have to get up to go to work.